Reckoning
Aging, Control & Being Fully Alive
On this call, we explored the idea of reckoning and what it means to come face-to-face with the realities of life that we simply cannot control.
There are many things we can influence, improve, support, and care for. We can care for our bodies, prioritize our health, pursue longevity, tend to our appearance, and make choices that help us feel strong and vibrant.
And there are some things we simply cannot control.
Aging. Change. Loss. Other people. The passage of time. How long we get to be here.
We talked about how natural it is, as humans, to try to gain some control over these things. The question isn't whether caring for ourselves or wanting to feel good is right or wrong. The more interesting question is:
What are we asking those things to do for us?
There can be a difference between:
“I want to take care of myself because I love being alive.”
and
“I need to keep changing or improving myself so I don't have to feel what I cannot control.”
Sometimes healthy self-care can quietly become striving, bargaining, or an attempt to create certainty.
As you watch or listen, use the prompts below the video to follow along and stay in motion.
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Aging and mortality may be the doorway into this conversation, but reckoning is really about coming into relationship with realities we cannot entirely change, undo, or control.
We may find ourselves reckoning with:
Our changing bodies and physical limitations
How quickly time passes
Choices we've made and a past we cannot rewrite
Other people and the choices they make
Children growing up and needing us differently
Parents aging and changing roles within our families
Relationships that change, end, or become something different
Dreams or versions of our future that may not happen
Things we wanted and never received
Regrets, losses, uncertainty, and seasons of life ending
The reality that even when we do everything “right,” we still cannot guarantee the outcome
And sometimes reckoning sounds much quieter:
“This may never be what I hoped it would be.”
“That season of my life is over.”
“I may never get the apology.”
“I cannot make this person change.”
“I did the best I knew how to do, and I still have regrets.”
“My life looks different from the one I imagined.”
“I am becoming someone different from who I used to be.”
“I cannot keep postponing my life.”
Reckoning isn't resignation.
It's acknowledging what is true so we can decide how we want to live in relationship with it.
Acceptance says: “This is what is.”
Reckoning asks: “And now, what will I do with that?” -
We considered three different categories:
CONTROL: The choices we make, how we spend today, how we speak to ourselves, and how we show up.
INFLUENCE: Our health, strength, mobility, relationships, and overall well-being.
SURRENDER: Exactly how our bodies will age, how long we or the people we love will live, and the unexpected changes and losses life may bring.
A question we explored:
Where am I spending significant energy trying to control something that ultimately belongs in the surrender category?
And:
What might become available to me if I loosened my grip just a little?
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We also talked about how easily the finish line for satisfaction can keep moving.
Five more pounds.
One more treatment.
One more supplement.
One more accomplishment.
One more thing to fix.We reflected on:
I'll finally feel ______ when ______.
Then we removed the condition.
Instead of:
I'll finally feel comfortable in my body when I lose the weight.
What if we begin with:
I want to feel comfortable in my body.
And ask:
How could I experience even 10% more of that feeling today?
Wanting something different and appreciating what is already here can exist at the same time.
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We looked at some of the things we do for our health, appearance, bodies, and longevity and considered whether they are primarily coming from:
CARE | FEAR | BOTH
The behavior itself may not need to change.
Our relationship with it might.
We can exercise because we want to feel strong and capable.
We can care about our appearance because we enjoy feeling beautiful.
We can pursue health and longevity because we value being alive.
And we can hold all of those things while recognizing that they cannot guarantee certainty.
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We explored the possibility that satisfaction may not come from finally reaching a place where everything is right.
Perhaps enoughness is the ability to recognize what is already good and whole while life is still unfinished.
We can want more and appreciate what we have.
We can care for our bodies and allow them to change.
We can pursue longevity and accept uncertainty.
We can grieve the passage of time and allow that awareness to make our lives more precious.
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Finally, we imagined that the rest of our life is like a bank account.
We don't know the balance.
But every day, we spend some of it.
We asked:
What do I want to spend LESS of my life on?
What do I want to spend MORE of my life on?
And perhaps the larger question underneath this entire conversation is:
Given that my time here is precious and finite, how do I want to be alive while I'm here?
The goal isn't simply to preserve, perfect, or prolong our lives.
It's to be here while we're here.
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I move through life with acceptance, trust, and an open heart.
